Queen B.

Sometimes... or I should say the majority of the time, I just don't know where Granny comes up with her wild ideas. Today while twirling her diamond pendant hanging from a delicate gold chain round her neck that my brother gifted to her, she stops and says to me,  "you know, I better talk to your brother about this chain that the jeweler gave him. I do believe he switched the original with this one because it should be much thicker!" I could only laugh to myself and think.... she wishes!

Gran owns a Persian cat, who by the way is spoiled to the core. You know they say like owner like pet. The cats name is Tasha and is an inside cat which of course means she has a litter box. It gets Gran a little upset that we are always ragging on the cat.... litter box's don't exactly give off a pleasant odor. If anyone says anything to her about it she acts as if we are ALL loony because she can't smell a thing...whatever Gran. Some days back, she moved the litter box to the enclosed patio more or less out of the house. This patio being where my son plays.... well he found himself a new sand box to play in. So she called up the "I-HAUL"....and had me move the litter back into her room. Later..., we took a trip to the store and Gran had mysteriously thrown a tall can of Lysol into the shopping cart....coincidence....I don't think so! Now every morning when Gran opens her bedroom door you can hear the exaggerated constant spray of an aerosol can. I have to be careful not to walk past at that time as she might give it to me in the eye. It seems apparent she does it in an overkill manner because of the comments we've made to her about the smell. Well my dork of a brother was just in her room taking in deep breaths of what he told her was a delicious memorable granny smell that he loved....,thanks a lot Bro! She later emerges from her room with a s--t eating grin on her face. UGH!                                                                                                                                                                                                  P.S. I know I've been harsh, but today was a real bad day!                                                                        

Whizzer

Today while walking passed the bathroom door, I heard a trickling of liquid which I figured was water leaking. I turned to look into the small area and no one was there....., then there was a slight shifting noise made by the shower curtain and I noticed a small short lump behind it. That's when I quickly slung open the curtain and discovered the source of the trickily noise, which stopped as the trajectory of the liquid was now aiming at me. I began to shout...., "NO......!" My four year old son had just finished whizzing all over my foot. Poor little guy I must of scared the poop out of him. I just couldn't get mad at him though, as Gran's new potty chair now dominates the entire toilet, which makes the tub an easy target for a short guy.

Sunsets Aren't Always Pretty

Today around lunch time. Gran was in the kitchen mumbling under her breath. While frustratedly opening and closing the refrigerator doors saying, " that girl, what was she thinking, what did she buy, there's nothing in here!" I walked up behind her and asked her what was the matter (though I already knew).  My mom and I had just gotten back from grocery shopping.  She was looking for the usual stuff my mom buys for her lunches. I explained to her how my mom and I had only shopped for dinner meals and that everything was in the freezer. Gran is always asking,"whats for dinner?" So, while at the store my mom and I were both focusing on dinner, dinner, dinner.... Dinner is a subject that seems to create a bit of turmoil between us all. Gran feels that my moms cooking is unsurpassed. Making it an almost unbearable experience when I start dinner and Gran stands by watching my every move saying,"you know two women in the kitchen spoils the pot!" She likes her dinner early, but mom gets home from work late.  So to make it easier on us, we stocked up on quick fix meals for dinner. I told this to Gran and she paused a moment and said,"well now I'm asking, whats for lunch?" 

I returned to the kitchen a few minutes later.  Gran had two dozen eggs sitting on the counter and a big pot of water boiling on the stove.  "What are you doing, Gran? Thought you were making some lunch," I asked her. She answered, "I am putting these eggs on to boil since there is nothing to eat. I got a craving for pickled eggs, so thought I'd make a couple dozen."  I thought for just a moment, then smiled and thought this was her way of getting the rest of us to ask, "What's for breakfast?" Cause there are no more eggs!

The gardeners are here and Gran gets excited when she hears the leaf blower. She hates it, thinks they should sweep with the broom.  Every week when this happens she hollers at them from the front stoop. While Gran, again frustrated, shakes a finger at them yelling,"get away from my plants with that crazy thing!" She then becomes offended, thinking that everyone only thinks of her as a crazy old lady, shouting for no good reason.  They never stop blowing as she asks, only smile and wave their salutations back at her. And every week I tell her," I told you before Granny, they don't speak English!"

It's now the end of the day and the sun has finally set.  Gran is sitting in her rocker in the living room, warming herself by the fire.  She begins recalling her younger days,  it must have been the pickled eggs that brought this memory on. She enjoyed sharing an experience with us as she slowly rocked, about how she used to frequent a nightclub called Ziggy's,  a hip hangout for a close group of her friends in the late '30's, early '40's. As she recounts; it was a place you could get a glass of wine and have a nice dance or two.  Her friends were a bit hungry, so she walks up to the bar to buy some . . . pickled eggs! A nice looking man nicknamed Swede was sitting at the bar with a lady named Rita, "hanging all over him" as Gran put it. She overhears him say to the woman, "Here comes that beautiful redhead," and his "date" Rita, reacted by saying, "Hey, Red, come over here and give the Swede a big kiss."   As she passed them, she faked a gag reflex and said, "Over my dead body.  I wouldn't touch him with a ten-foot pole!"  I knew this man as Grandpap!                  

Senior Critizen

It really is amazing the things that a ninety-three year old women will say and do. Especially if she's your grandmother. I'm beginning to wonder if she thinks I work for the U-HAUL company, always needing another "yard-sale" box to be moved to and fro. More like I-Haul, any time, anyplace. Have the darn yard-sale already! She says,"did you ever make fondue? I've got this brand new pot... ah, I'll just put it in the yard-sale, somebody's gotta like to make fondue!" OK Gran.... and that's going to happen when....if I suggest to her,  "how about tomorrow!" She'll say,"ah.. I haven't thought of a place to have it at yet," well hello.... in your yard right! I mean..."yard-sale!" Any how, Gran is irrationally quirky, so when she does something, you think about it and laugh later. We go out to eat a lot, which is just not a good idea with Gran because she has the uncanny knack to embarrass you to no end. She might even do it purposely at times, then again.... it just comes naturally. Its like she has the worst luck at restaurants or complaining is just deeply rooted in her soul of souls. (don't tell her I said that) So she orders her food, trying her hardest to impress on the waitress, how she cannot have any spicy foods whatsoever. Then each time, each waitress, assures her, for certain, there will be nothing spicy in her meal. Then sure enough, this one time Gran starts acting like her throat is on fire and begins to yell, "water... water, I need water!" The waitress then ran over and asked,"Whats the matter, whats wrong?" By this time the manager is moseying over and half the restaurant is staring. Gran keeps saying,"water", in a haphazard motion. Finally we all shout,"water, she needs water!" The waitress then understands and Grans fire slowly ceased. She had never thought a thing about the chunks of green vegetables in her corn garnish as she shoveled it in. Bell pepper I can see but who chips jalapeno chunks into a side dish of corn, served with  barbecue chicken breast.....! Que sera, sera......!